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The 6th session (which should be the last chemo therapy of Mama) was postponed and I’m thinking not to pursue it anymore because Mama is fainting on the medication (given she’s already too old for it). She could not even push out her own stool. I need to push it myself. What is more painful is that she develops minor Alzheimer’s disease (is a progressive disease that destroys memory and other important mental functions). Most of the time, she already forgot what she did, or what she will do. She always demands for her medicine when she already took it few minutes ago. She scolds and acts like a child, and she forgets my name. Yes, her daughter’s name. I’m close to tears seeing Sachi helping her Lola recall that she’s at home. She tells stories to her Lola of past moments through kept pictures. She keeps on describing our house and insists to her Lola that everything’s fine. Yet I’m just a daughter who is taking chances for my mother’s life.
I’m always praying hard that my family would be able to overcome this trial. There were times that we both have sleepless nights as a consequence of her health situation.
God knows I’ve prayed so hard she would be well. Since I was in college (until now), I have a consistent prayer with God (about Mama) that I do believe would come true. I thank God I prioritized my relationships, I chose home than working from far away places few years ago. Now I’m living with no regrets because I’ve spent memorable days (and still spending this day onward) with Mama.
All her life, she loved anybody else more than herself. She’s so selfless she even let go of her earthly riches for her siblings and for us. Some of our relatives would testify that, even our neighbors. But not even once I would hear from her that she’s evoking how she have saved so many of her families’ burdened situations. I know she deserves a kind of life far better than I imagine.
In times like this, I miss my Mother so much. I miss the way how she cooks Arroz Valenciana, her many different ways to cook pancit canton, my lelut balatung, my lagat apalya and my sisig pusu. Would it be a weakness to say that I know Mama would not be able to cook the same again?
Some people think I’m a hero, I’m extraordinary bearing this cross aside from the fact that I also have my nephew and niece living with me (Yes, I’m taking care of them too).
Being the only one majority taking care of my mother (I have my adopted sister who helps me sometimes but she’s not living with us, therefore leaving almost everything to me) is really a struggle and cause so much hardship. Some people think that I’m too strong being able to handle everything but they don’t know that I’m also so ordinary that I sometimes ask God,
“God, why me?”,
“Why in a situation like this?”,
“Is that how deep Your trust in me that I would be able to handle this?”
But I hear God whispers in my heart–always, “My Child, Great people comes from great difficulties. Do not be afraid because I am with you. I am always meeting you where you are. I will not forsake you just as how we have won past battles together.”
And it’s true! If I was able to triumph past trials, so this will. As God said in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
May you receive your blessings,
- Have you read my previous blog about Mama’s Cancer? you can read it again here: The Woman I Love Most Have Cancer
- Love reading my blogs? I hope you can find time reading my other writings too on A Cup of Expression. A Cup of Travel . A Cup of Quote. A Cup of Food..and more.